Handbook for the Recently Diseased
Yesterday I took my first sick day from work in over six years. Today I took my second. It’s remarkable how this rest thing actually works. I’m feeling much better already. Anyhow, they say you learn something new every day, and this holds true even when the entirety of that day is spent in bed watching television and napping. Here’s what I learned:
- Idiots are still not getting their children vaccinated because they’re afraid that it causes autism. Seriously people? There is zero scientific evidence to support this claim. Stop getting the responsible parents’ kids sick with your infected spawn’s nineteenth-century diseases just because you get your parenting advice from Jenny McCarthy.
- Michelle Obama touched the Queen of England. This was apparently the most important thing that happened in the world today. I guess that’s good news for our troops in the war zone.
- Former Denver Broncos quarterback Jay Cutler is a big fucking crybaby who doesn’t know when to keep his mouth shut. (I actually learned this over the course of the last few weeks but he was spewing more “poor me” bullshit yesterday so he makes the list.)
- Insomniacs usually cannot sleep because A) that “certain part” of their anatomy is too small, B) they’re experiencing financial trouble, C) they’re too fat. I forgot how much I missed television at 4:00 am.
- Ron Burgundy…er…I mean Paul Moyer is leaving KNBC. Read the first comment at the end of this LA Times story for my thoughts.
- The weird pinching feeling on my shoulder blade isn’t a tumor. Ok, I had to sneak out to the doctor for this one.
- Staying home when you’re sick was way more fun when you were a kid. Yet another reason I should invest in an X-Box.
- Facebook is more entertaining when you’re ignoring actual work. When you stare at it all day it loses its luster…fast.
- Barack Obama is still the man. Seriously, how nice was it to see our president talking with foreign leaders without feeling overcome by the douche-chills?
- I’m getting soft in my old age. Sick days? Man up and get back to work!
