If I Ruled The World, Vol. 1 – Baking Bad Cookies Would be Illegal
The other day I walked into the office kitchen and was pleasantly greeted by the sight of a large zip-lock bag filled with chocolate cookies with nuts in them. Thrilling, yes, I know. I grabbed a cookie and hurried back to my desk to enjoy what should have been a mouthful of delicious chocolatey goodness. What I got however tasted like someone had spilled some Ovaltine onto my bathmat and then baked it in the oven. I threw the cookie into the garbage and slammed my fist against the desk.
“Who the fuck?!”
I marched to the kitchen, where I took the vile baked goods and threw them into the garbage can, spiking the bag like a football. Those cookies won’t hurt anyone anymore. Yes, I know this seems like a somewhat cruel thing to do, throwing away an entire freezer bag of cookies that had been baked with “love and care” by one of my co-workers to share with the rest of the office. But let’s look a little deeper shall we?
First off, we know damn well what the real back-story to this tragedy is. Some clueless Rachel Ray watching motherfucker baked some cookies, tried one, spit it out, then thought, “I’ll just bring them to the office. THOSE people will eat anything.” Oh yeah? Think again fucker. That shit is on its way to the landfill.
Here’s the deal. Good cookies are easy to make. Most people go wrong when they try to bake “healthy” cookies and skimp on the butter and sugar. Guess what, there are no good healthy cookies. Cookies are supposed to be bad for you. That’s the point! You want something that tastes sweet and is good for you? Well the next time you head down to the grocery store to buy more Lean Cuisine frozen dinners, head on over to the produce section…it’s that place you bought those tomatoes when you tried making marinara sauce and fucked that up too. Pick up a mango or a banana and eat one of those for desert. It’ll make you smile…and if it doesn’t, you can bring it into the office, where I promise you someone WILL appreciate it.
I’m smiling already, thinking of a world where people who bake crap cookies then serve them to their fellow man are issued steep fines and threatened with jail time.
