Spranda Factory

Here in America, the mainstream news media is good for a few things.  Reporting the actual news in an intelligent and reasonable manner is not one of them.  However, when it comes to stirring the pot of full-blown hang-onto-your-ass, lock yourself in the basement hysteria, they wield a power ordinarily reserved for iron-fisted dictators.  The latest example of this bullshit fear-mongering is all of the carrying on about this swine flu.  Swine flu?  Give me a fucking break.  More people die in wood-chipper accidents each year than from the swine flu.  More people die from the regular flu each day than have died from the swine flu in the last week.  Put your hard-on back into your collective pants and mix in some real news.  Isn’t our economy still in the shitter?  Can we do something about these Harvard MBA cocksuckers who are still free after engineering this debacle?

The only thing more pathetic than the irresponsible response from the American news media has been the actions of a number of third world governments who have decided that they are going to exterminate all of their pigs.  Never mind the fact that you don’t catch swine flu from pigs.  Can’t we just ship these pigs to the starving people in the world?  You know, the people in those countries where millions of their people die from malaria each year.  I’m sure they’d be happy to take your pigs.  Dumbasses.

No pigs were harmed in the writing of this blog post.

One hell of a haircut.

Man, there is nothing better than a good makeover.  Check out this ad I found on the front page of MSN.com today.  These wizards took a fat, downtrodden-looking, white woman and turned her into a thin, happy, hip, black woman.  Fucking amazing!  America!  What a country!

Seriously…does anyone review these photos before these kunckleheads post them online?  Clearly the economic downturn has not claimed enough jobs yet.

Manhattan Beach – Flo Thompson of Redondo Beach was left in furious hysterics this morning when Hermosa Beach resident Sonny Kipgen dared to merge in front of her car.  The two’s unlikely meeting came via a detour on their regular route to work, which was shut down by police activity.  “I could see that cars were merging, so I got real close to the truck in front of me to make sure no one could get in, ” Flo explained, her jowels still quivering with rage.  “But when he kept rolling forward I had to stop.  What a fucking asshole!”

Kipgen laughed and danced a gleeful jig when asked to recount the story.  “Yeah I pulled in front of her.  We were merging.  God forbid one more car separate her from her destination.”  When Kipgen looked into his rear view mirror he saw Thompson, “pitching a fit.  Man, you would have thought that I just walked into her house and shit on her rug.  It was fucking hillarious!”

“He thought it was a big joke.  I could see him in his car laughing at me,” Thompson wailed.  “I don’t like cars getting in front of me!”

Kipgen seemed genuinely surprised at Thomson’s reaction.  “Man…all this over one car getting in front of you?  What is that…like two more seconds added to your commute?  Motherfuckers who don’t respect the zipper should take the bus.”

Yesterday I took my first sick day from work in over six years.  Today I took my second.  It’s remarkable how this rest thing actually works.  I’m feeling much better already.  Anyhow, they say you learn something new every day, and this holds true even when the entirety of that day is spent in bed watching television and napping.  Here’s what I learned:

• Idiots are still not getting their children vaccinated because they’re afraid that it causes autism.  Seriously people?  There is zero scientific evidence to support this claim.  Stop getting the responsible parents’ kids sick with your infected spawn’s nineteenth-century diseases just because you get your parenting advice from Jenny McCarthy.
• Michelle Obama touched the Queen of England.  This was apparently the most important thing that happened in the world today.  I guess that’s good news for our troops in the war zone.
• Former Denver Broncos quarterback Jay Cutler is a big fucking crybaby who doesn’t know when to keep his mouth shut.  (I actually learned this over the course of the last few weeks but he was spewing more “poor me” bullshit yesterday so he makes the list.)
• Insomniacs usually cannot sleep because A) that “certain part” of their anatomy is too small, B) they’re experiencing financial trouble, C) they’re too fat.  I forgot how much I missed television at 4:00 am.
• Ron Burgundy…er…I mean Paul Moyer is leaving KNBC.  Read the first comment at the end of this LA Times story for my thoughts.
• The weird pinching feeling on my shoulder blade isn’t a tumor.  Ok, I had to sneak out to the doctor for this one.
• Staying home when you’re sick was way more fun when you were a kid.  Yet another reason I should invest in an X-Box.
• Facebook is more entertaining when you’re ignoring actual work.  When you stare at it all day it loses its luster…fast.
• Barack Obama is still the man.  Seriously, how nice was it to see our president talking with foreign leaders without feeling overcome by the douche-chills?
• I’m getting soft in my old age.  Sick days?  Man up and get back to work!