Spranda Factory

If ever there was a group of professionals begging to be outsourced, it’s in-house IT Techs.  It’s like there’s a mandatory elective course in “Bitchy and Difficult 101″ in the curriculum of every computer science program in America.  Tell me the most difficult person you work with at your company isn’t your IT guy and I’ll slap you in the nuts for being a dirty liar.  Every time you ask one of these knuckleheads to lift a finger they act like you just asked them to unclog a shitty toilet.  Hey asshole, if you had set the computer up right in the first place, maybe you wouldn’t have to be called away from your busy schedule of forwarding obscene video clips and trading bootleg software to come fix my shit.  And yes, I already tried restarting.  Save that stupid question for those in the office born before 1960.

Thank God for India.  May all of our IT jobs end up on the polite, educated shores of our Indian allies.

You can go ahead and move this one right to the top of my list of “Least Favorite Sounds in the World,” dudes audibly straining over bowel-movements in public restrooms.  Jesus Christ guys, either keep that shit down or mix in some fiber.  We don’t need you broadcasting your constipation while we’re trying to have a nice quiet moment of relief in the john.  Have you no decency or shame?

It blows my mind that there are adults on the loose out there who still don’t wash their hands after going to the bathroom.  Seriously, what is wrong with you?  I don’t know where your dick has been.  In fact, when it comes to your personal hygiene, I already know that you don’t wash your hands.  God only knows how thorough you are when washing your junk.  Somehow, I doubt things are spic-and-span down there.

Worse than not washing your hands is the move where you rinse your hands with water and pass on the soap.  Great idea.  Why not take the funk that had been stuck to your hands, get it wet, then smear it on the faucet handles and the bathroom door.

The problem here is that some jokers think their dick is impervious to germs or that through some black magic the toilet paper they use possesses special disinfecting properties.  This is why venereal disease is such a problem in this world.  It all starts with some jackass thinking “I’m clean” meeting another jackass who thinks “I’m invincible” and then PRESTO…enjoy your syphilis.

You’re a grown up now.  Wash your hands.  Use soap.  It will take no more than thirty seconds of your time and will keep us from getting your ass on our hands.

The other day an acquaintance of mine was griping to me about a couple of traffic tickets he got within the span of a week. One was for using his cell phone while driving, the other was for running a red light. He was carrying on about how much money this was going to cost him and acting all depressed. I wanted to slap him and shake him by the shoulders and yell, “Then don’t run red lights and use a headset for your cell phone!”  Thank God you got those tickets.  Maybe now you’ll stop driving like an asshole.  People who talk on their cell phones while driving piss me off.  Assholes who run red lights risk killing someone because they need to get wherever there going thirty seconds sooner.  Fuck’em.  I cheer inside when people tell me they got a ticket for doing stupid shit.

A similar, related issue is people who generally have a crappy attitude about life or are just plain lazy who throw public pity parties because, surprise, life has dealt them yet another shitty hand.  Here’s an idea.  Stop acting like a depressed teenager and get your fucking act together.  Not to get all Tony Robbins on you, but I once heard somewhere that “gratitude is the best attitude.”  Maybe take a look around and appreciate all of the shit that you have instead of whining to me (or some other poor sinner) about all of the things you don’t have or are too lazy to go out and work for.  My complaints department is already fully booked with people who are actually being proactive in trying to improve their lot in life.

Look, I know tickets are a drag and that sometimes life can suck. But I really don’t care when the problems are due to your own laziness or stupidity.  Stop acting like a goddamn victim.  YOU brought this onto YOURSELF and YOU have the power to fix your issues.  You reap what you sow in this life.  Unless you are telling me about the positive changes you are making to reverse your sorry state, I don’t want to hear about it.  I have my own problems.

This one is dedicated everyone in my office and every single roommate I’ve ever head.  To me this is just one of those little rules in life.  After washing your dishes, wring out the sponge.  Go ahead, give that little fucker a good squeeze.  Not that hard, right?  Then why does NOBODY do this?  Why is it that every time I walk into the office kitchen some awful jackass has left a nasty, brown, soaking wet sponge sitting on the sink.   You’ve heard of mildew right?  It’s that fungus that makes everything it infects smell like an unwashed old man.  You know that black shit that grows on the tile grout in your shower?  That’s what grows in the sponge that you’re using to “clean” your dishes when you don’t wring it out.

Would you eat your tuna fish off of this?

Wring out the goddamn sponge already.  It will take literally two seconds of your time and it will keep your sink area from smelling like yesterday’s ass.

Yep…this is how I’m starting my blog.  You’re welcome.