Spranda Factory

Here’s the deal, I’ve always been a Listerine man, but I liked the idea of Crest coming out with an alcohol-free mouthwash.  After all, it seems like a sin to take perfectly good alcohol, dye it green, swish it around in your mouth and then just spit it out.  So I decided I’d give this Crest Pro-Health a spin.  I bought the “Night” version…it was a clear liquid which seemed like a good thing.  The less day-glow-green dye I put into my mouth the better, right?  Wrong.

Apparently Crest substituted some kind of battery acid for the alcohol because I can’t feel my tongue or taste anything anymore…and I used the mouthwash four days ago.  Remember when you were a kid (maybe you still do this) and you used to test 9-volt batteries by sticking them to your tongue?  That’s what my tongue feels like.  I haven’t been able to taste my food all week.

Wondering if I was overreacting (which I’ll admit, I’ll do from time to time), I did a quick search on Google to see if other people were having the same problem.  Here’s what I found:

“After I used it my tongue felt numb, and weird. EEW!”

“I’ve lost the ability to taste anything. I’ve discontinued the product for four (4) days and I still can’t taste anything.”

“…a permanent aftertaste and worst of all a burning sensation (like a chemical burn) in my mouth.”

“The sour taste it leaves in one’s mouth in conjunction with its power to make one lose taste sensation.”  (This person was so excited to sound intelligent by using a “big” word like conjunction that they couldn’t be bothered to notice that their sentence makes no goddamn sense…but you get the point.)

You can read more on Amazon, where users give Crest Pro-Health one and a half stars, giving it a user satisfaction rating that is roughly on par with herpes.

Apparently this shit stains your teeth brown too…which completely blows my mind.  I guess I should be thankful that I heeded the warning signs early and put this vile liquid in it’s place.

Don’t buy this shit.