Spranda Factory

I used to work for a boss that was constantly buying useless new gadgets and other assorted flotsam and jetsam.  He was a joyless man, and it seemed that what little pleasure he had in his life came from buying crap he didn’t need.  Inevitably, his really old items would find their way onto my desk.  “Here Sonny, you can have this.  It’s probably worth some money.”  Thanks asshole.  I’m sure your first generation Blackberry will fetch big bucks on eBay.  Maybe some prop master working on a period piece set in 1999 will pony up five bucks for it.  My roommate does this as well only with him it’s clothes.  Every now and again I come home to find some out of style or free promotional shirt tossed onto my bed.  “I was just going to pitch it but I thought you might want it,” he tells me.  What on earth would make you think that?  Do I have a sign around my neck asking for spare change?  Do I buy second-hand clothes from the Salvation Army?  What kind of destitute motherfucker do you take me for?

Look, I know you jokers think you’re being nice, but I know better.  You’re just too damn lazy to take your crap to the Goodwill yourself.  Stop being lazy.  Man up and either throw that shit out or drive it down to the Goodwill yourself.  I’m not taking it anymore.

Shit I better update it! One sec…

No doubt, the most offensive part of summer vacation when you’re a kid is the month of August when those god forsaken back to school ads start to run. “Hey kids. You know all that fun you’re having right now? Well just a quick reminder that all that shit is about to come to an end…in 4 weeks.” Thanks assholes. Thanks for dangling that sword over my head for the entire month of August.  The worst part about these ads is that they inevitably predict a bunch of happy-ass kids acting like going back to school is the best thing since pony parties and banana splits.  And how much back to school shopping do you really need to do?  Use your backpack from last year, swipe a notebook and a pencil from your folks and you’re good to go.

By the way, my summer semester ends tomorrow so blog posts will return.

If ever there was a group of professionals begging to be outsourced, it’s in-house IT Techs.  What the hell is wrong with these people?  It’s like there’s a mandatory elective course in “Bitchy and Difficult 101″ in the curriculum of every computer science program in America.  Tell me the most difficult person you work with at your company isn’t your IT guy and I’ll slap you in the nuts for being a dirty liar.  Every time you ask one of these worthless knuckleheads to lift a finger they act like you just asked them to unclog a shitty toilet.  Hey asshole, if you had set the computer up right in the first place, maybe you wouldn’t have to be called away from your busy schedule of forwarding obscene video clips and trading bootleg software to come fix my shit.  And yes, I already tried restarting.  Save that stupid question for those in the office born before 1960.

Thank God for India.  May all of our IT jobs end up on the polite, educated shores of our Indian allies.

You can go ahead and move this one right to the top of my list of “Least Favorite Sounds in the World,” dudes audibly straining over bowel-movements in public restrooms.  Jesus Christ guys, either keep that shit down or mix in some fiber.  We don’t need you broadcasting your constipation while we’re trying to have a nice quiet moment of relief in the john.  Have you no decency or shame?  It sounds like you’re shooting gay porn in there.

Here in America, the mainstream news media is good for a few things.  Reporting the actual news in an intelligent and reasonable manner is not one of them.  However, when it comes to stirring the pot of full-blown hang-onto-your-ass, lock yourself in the basement hysteria, they wield a power ordinarily reserved for iron-fisted dictators.  The latest example of this bullshit fear-mongering is all of the carrying on about this swine flu.  Swine flu?  Give me a fucking break.  More people die in wood-chipper accidents each year than from the swine flu.  More people die from the regular flu each day than have died from the swine flu in the last week.  Put your hard-on back into your collective pants and mix in some real news.  Isn’t our economy still in the shitter?  Can we do something about these Harvard MBA cocksuckers who are still free after engineering this debacle?

The only thing more pathetic than the irresponsible response from the American news media has been the actions of a number of third world governments who have decided that they are going to exterminate all of their pigs.  Never mind the fact that you don’t catch swine flu from pigs.  Can’t we just ship these pigs to the starving people in the world?  You know, the people in those countries where millions of their people die from malaria each year.  I’m sure they’d be happy to take your pigs.  Dumbasses.

No pigs were harmed in the writing of this blog post.

One hell of a haircut.

Man, there is nothing better than a good makeover.  Check out this ad I found on the front page of MSN.com today.  These wizards took a fat, downtrodden-looking, white woman and turned her into a thin, happy, hip, black woman.  Fucking amazing!  America!  What a country!

Seriously…does anyone review these photos before these kunckleheads post them online?  Clearly the economic downturn has not claimed enough jobs yet.

Manhattan Beach – Flo Thompson of Redondo Beach was left in furious hysterics this morning when Hermosa Beach resident Sonny Kipgen dared to merge in front of her car.  The two’s unlikely meeting came via a detour on their regular route to work, which was shut down by police activity.  “I could see that cars were merging, so I got real close to the truck in front of me to make sure no one could get in, ” Flo explained, her jowels still quivering with rage.  “But when he kept rolling forward I had to stop.  What a fucking asshole!”

Kipgen laughed and danced a gleeful jig when asked to recount the story.  “Yeah I pulled in front of her.  We were merging.  God forbid one more car separate her from her destination.”  When Kipgen looked into his rear view mirror he saw Thompson, “pitching a fit.  Man, you would have thought that I just walked into her house and shit on her rug.  It was fucking hillarious!”

“He thought it was a big joke.  I could see him in his car laughing at me,” Thompson wailed.  “I don’t like cars getting in front of me!”

Kipgen seemed genuinely surprised at Thomson’s reaction.  “Man…all this over one car getting in front of you?  What is that…like two more seconds added to your commute?  Motherfuckers who don’t respect the zipper should take the bus.”

Yesterday I took my first sick day from work in over six years.  Today I took my second.  It’s remarkable how this rest thing actually works.  I’m feeling much better already.  Anyhow, they say you learn something new every day, and this holds true even when the entirety of that day is spent in bed watching television and napping.  Here’s what I learned:

• Idiots are still not getting their children vaccinated because they’re afraid that it causes autism.  Seriously people?  There is zero scientific evidence to support this claim.  Stop getting the responsible parents’ kids sick with your infected spawn’s nineteenth-century diseases just because you get your parenting advice from Jenny McCarthy.
• Michelle Obama touched the Queen of England.  This was apparently the most important thing that happened in the world today.  I guess that’s good news for our troops in the war zone.
• Former Denver Broncos quarterback Jay Cutler is a big fucking crybaby who doesn’t know when to keep his mouth shut.  (I actually learned this over the course of the last few weeks but he was spewing more “poor me” bullshit yesterday so he makes the list.)
• Insomniacs usually cannot sleep because A) that “certain part” of their anatomy is too small, B) they’re experiencing financial trouble, C) they’re too fat.  I forgot how much I missed television at 4:00 am.
• Ron Burgundy…er…I mean Paul Moyer is leaving KNBC.  Read the first comment at the end of this LA Times story for my thoughts.
• The weird pinching feeling on my shoulder blade isn’t a tumor.  Ok, I had to sneak out to the doctor for this one.
• Staying home when you’re sick was way more fun when you were a kid.  Yet another reason I should invest in an X-Box.
• Facebook is more entertaining when you’re ignoring actual work.  When you stare at it all day it loses its luster…fast.
• Barack Obama is still the man.  Seriously, how nice was it to see our president talking with foreign leaders without feeling overcome by the douche-chills?
• I’m getting soft in my old age.  Sick days?  Man up and get back to work!